


Knives Cut Like Memories

by sherlockpond



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5 times +1, ALL THE ANGST, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Getting Better, Fluff, HYDRA programming, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Short & Sweet, Stucky Love, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:44:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2300237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockpond/pseuds/sherlockpond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a prompt from tumblr:</p><p>"It is my headcanon that there is a gun on the table in this scene because The Winter Soldier has been trained to arm any of his handlers who are not already armed while in his presence so that, if they so choose, they can put him down at any time.</p><p>Later, it takes Steve months to figure out why Bucky gives him a knife every time they’re in the same room."</p><p>I really liked that idea, so I decided to write it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knives Cut Like Memories

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Tiếng Việt available: [Knives cut like memories (translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4021273) by [StuckyShipper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StuckyShipper/pseuds/StuckyShipper)



> So, yeah. I'm back. I saw this on Tumblr and I just had a huge urge to write this. 
> 
> Not my franchise, not my characters, not my Bucky to wrap in my arms and tell him he'll be okay.
> 
> Not beta'd because I don't want to burden anyone with this.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Prompt found here:  
> http://checkthemargins.tumblr.com/post/97176353582/it-is-my-headcanon-that-there-is-a-gun-on-the

  **1.**

 

Steve notices for the first time when Bucky walks into the living room and quietly hands him a knife before sitting down on the couch with his back straight and looking, dead eyed, into the distance.

 

Steve looks down at the knife and his brow crinkles, he looks over at Bucky, who hasn’t moved an inch, and if he has it’s only to blink, and then looks down at the knife before setting it down on the coffee table, shaking his head, thinking it must be some kind of repressed thing that Bucky doesn’t realise he’s done.  They only picked him up off the street about a week before, so his heads been all over the place, he can be forgiven for being a little bit out of it.

 

Steve forgets about it by the time he goes to bed.

 

**2.**

 

Bucky spends a lot of time in his room, he comes out less and less as the weeks go on, and when he does it’s only for therapy or to just sit and stare blankly in the front room, leaving the room whenever Steve goes to share the space. He’s so quiet it’s like he’s afraid to speak or make any sound when he and Steve happen to end up in the same room.

 

After a month of therapy, he comes out of his room, takes a bottle of water from the fridge, goes into the cutlery draw, and sits down opposite Steve as the blonde finishes off his supper, silently putting a bread knife next to Steve and staring at the bottle of water, occasionally taking the odd sip.

 

Steve stops eating and looks at the new utensil next to his bowl, before looking up at his friend.

 

“What’s this for?” he asks, gesturing to the knife.

 

Bucky remains silent, staring at the bottle, his eyes glazed over.

 

 **3.**  

 

The therapy begins to work and soon Bucky starts to come out of his shell a little more. It was all kind of triggered when Bucky had a flashback in the shower and ended up screaming and sobbing in the tub, Steve finding him a quarter of an hour later, pulling him from the shower, water spilling everywhere, soaking them, holding Bucky, rocking him until the sobs stop wracking his body.

 

Bucky begins to talk and doesn’t stop talking for the rest of the night, he talks of old memories, new memories and things he can’t fit into either of them. They stream from his mouth, some sound more pained than others and Steve sits and listens to them all, some familiar, others making him cry.

 

When Bucky finally trails off and falls asleep just as dawn breaks Steve notices that there’s a knife on the toilet lid, sitting there looking innocent. Steve picks it up and toys with it for a second before putting it back down on the toilet lid and scooping Bucky into his arms, gently carrying him to bed and tucking him in, the first bit of actual sleep he’s had in weeks (although Steve grimly imagines it’s probably longer than that).

 

Steve puts the knife away and can’t help the niggling at his brain. Why did Bucky keep leaving knives around the house? From what Steve can see of Bucky’s body, he’s not hurting himself, there are no scars; and if Bucky had wanted to (Steve shivers) _end it_ then surely he would have taken the knife into the shower?

 

Steve walks away from the draw and goes back to Bucky’s bedroom, watching over the man sleeping in the bed. Thinking.

 

 **4.**  

 

After another month, it was mutually decided without any conversation, that Bucky could share Steve’s bed in order to stop the nightmares that made him scream and end up puking into the toilet at three in the morning, with Steve stroking the back of his neck in an attempt to provide a small amount of comfort.

 

Steve wakes in the middle of the night to the sound of Bucky finally coming to bed. Still delirious from sleep, Steve feels a cold handle pressed into his palm and the proximity of Bucky above him. It takes about three seconds for Steve to notice what’s going on and he feels the bed dip next to him as Bucky gets in and passes out with exhaustion. Steve knows they need to talk about this, but perhaps Bucky doesn’t realise what he’s doing, maybe it was just some form of sleepwalking. Steve sighs, either way, he has to talk to his friend about it, it doesn’t matter if it’s something Bucky doesn’t know he’s doing, they’ve got to talk.

 

**5.**

 

Steve finally confronts Bucky after he comes back after a mission to find all the knives missing from the kitchen, and each room having been assigned its own knife.

 

Bucky’s reading _1984_ when Steve finds him, lying across the sofa, looking 100% of the old Bucky, even though every inch of him having changed.

 

“Buck?”

 

Bucky looks up immediately, eyes snapping to Steve, it’s difficult to understand what’s in his eyes, he’s always so guarded these days.

 

“What’s up, Rogers?” he replies, laying his book to one side.

 

Steve picks up the knife on the arm of the sofa and shows it to Bucky.

 

“What’s the deal with these? What do they mean?” Steve asks softly “is it about having control? Being able to resist the temptation?”

 

Bucky doesn’t take his eyes off the knife, and a heavy expression falls onto his face. When he starts talking, his voice is small and his gaze falters from the knife and he looks down, failing to make eye contact.

 

“When I was with HYDRA, I had to make sure my handlers could have some kind of weapon to protect themselves if I ever became…erratic…,” he pauses to suck in a breath “I guess, I’ve been putting knives around the house because it’s one of the things I just subconsciously do. I just…I just really don’t want to hurt you. I’d rather hurt myself than you.” Bucky sighs “By having the knives around, it makes me feel safe, because you’re safe,”

 

Steve can’t help but feel his heart break a little. The knives are like HYDRA’s ghost, lingering around Bucky’s mind, making him act like the way they programmed him. Unable to detach himself. And Steve suddenly finds himself on the floor in front of Bucky, collecting the man into his arms and hugging him tight.

 

“I’m safe without the knives, jerk,” he says quietly, close to Bucky’s ear “you won’t hurt me,”

 

Steve feels a hand pushing against his chest. He complies and lets Bucky put some distance between them.

 

“How can you be so sure?” Bucky whispers, eyes wide.

 

“You kidding?” Steve gives him a small smile and a light push of the shoulder “I know you better than you know yourself, Buck, you wouldn’t let yourself hurt me, or anyone for that matter. You’re a good man,”

 

Bucky looks sceptical, a small uncertain lopsided smile works its way onto his face.

 

“I’m not convinced I can be that man again. The one I used to be.”

 

Steve frames Bucky’s face with his hands, rubbing small circles into his cheekbones.

 

“You don’t need to become anyone, Buck, you’re already there. You’re you. There’s no man that you have to become,” he assures

 

**+1.**

 

They’ve been working through the issues together for a few months now, whenever Bucky went to hand Steve a weapon, he would tell Bucky to put it back. It took a while for Bucky to find the trust within himself that Steve knew he always had, but they’ve managed. Bucky told his therapist and they moved into decoding the suppressed action, and as the meeting goes on, Bucky comes out of the room a more in-control man.

 

Steve smiles when Bucky comes into their living room and plops himself on the sofa, empty handed, reaching to the bowl of sweet and salty popcorn to throw some kernels into his mouth.

 

They’re finishing their James Bond marathon they started a month ago because why the fuck not? It’s been busy recently, as in every-single-crazy-power-hungry-adversary-decided-to-come-out-and-try-to-take-over-the-world crazy. So they’ve earned this. Casino Royale is starting and the title sequence kicks into gear, Steve’s heard Clint go on about Daniel Craig and how ‘if he had the chance, he would’.

 

Steve smiles and watches the film unfold, finding himself to agree with Barton, but also being completely content with the man in his arms.

 

He kisses the top of Bucky’s head and feels the man resting on his chest relax and the tension from his muscles dissolves.

 

“I’m proud of you, Buck,”

 

Bucky turns to look up at Steve and gives him one of his dazzling smiles, it reaches his eyes, which is one of Steve’s new favourite things. How did he forget that a smile could make his heart flutter in his chest?

 

“Yeah? Well you had a little help, punk,” he teases, reaching up to kiss Steve’s chin, giving him a playful nip.

 

Yeah, Steve could get used to this new life.

 

_Fin_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I know why you're here. Leave a kudos if you like, I'd be so grateful to know what you enjoyed, you don't even need to login to say you liked it. I would like to add that only neutral/positive comments are allowed. 
> 
> I'm guessing you're on Tumblr- of course you are! 
> 
> Check me out:
> 
> sherlockpond.tumblr.com


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